Hate me
by crazy rodent lady
Summary: songfic to "Hate me" by Blue October, SasuNaru. He didn't want Naruto's love, he wanted Naruto to be happy without him. Sasuke wanted Naruto to have the best life possible, and that life was a life devoid of him.


**Author's note:** This is a songfic to "Hate me" by Blue October (my favorite artist). The idea came to me while I was in the shower, washing the dye out of my hair. I dye it black, so when I wash it off the bath water is blue. This song popped into my head, and (since it was a school night and I had homework to do) the next day I typed it up. I'm not entirely satisfied with it, but decided to post it anyways, otherwise I would've been typing for hours with no reason.

**warning:** This is a SasuNaru, which means boy-on-boy love is ahead. Nothing too graphic, mostly angsting actually. Nevertheless, you've been warned, so don't botch about it just because it has two boys that are in love with each other.

**disclaimer:** I dont own anything regarding Naruto.

**HATE ME**

In a small room sat boy of about 16 surrounded on all sides by walls of stone. The room was dark, illuminated only by a single white candle, its flame flickering uncertainly as if on the verge of losing its light, thus leaving the boy in complete darkness. If the boy noticed the candle's lack of a steady flame he did nothing to stop the flame from burning out. Instead he let his pale, slender fingers sift through his dark locks. The fingers ceased their ministrations suddenly and instead gripped the thick locks and pulled hard. An irritated grunt can be heard in the small dungeon of a room. Ink black eyes resembling an endless hole in the earth slam shut, and a shuttered breath escapes delicate lips pulled into a grimace.

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head_

_They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone_

Sasuke wouldn't allow thoughts of vibrant blonde hair, determined blue eyes and loud annoying voices to pass through his mind. He also wouldn't allow himself to lash out irrationally. Letting go of his ever-dwindling self restraint was not an option. He lets out a shaky breath and unfists his hands. Taking his hands from his hair he sets two curled fingers on each of his temples and begins to move them in slow circles, softly at first, but he adds pressure at an alarming rate. All this effort did nothing to ease his thoughts of too-bright smiles, eyes that Sasuke has detected the hidden pain within only because he has seen the exact same look in his eyes on those rare occasions when he can stomach looking into a mirror. The pain etched in both sets of eyes is disguised either by a false cheerfulness or emptiness. Sasuke recognizes the fact that without a look at those pained eyes going through his same ordeal in an entirely different way his life has attained that emptiness of sheer and utter loneliness. No longer can Sasuke allow a small, hidden smile to grace his pale pink lips, because he can no longer think of the boy who made those smiles possible. Sasuke was alone for the rest of his miserly life, thanks to his insane power drive and unattainable goal, Sasuke had no one.

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home_

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain_

Despite Sasuke's valiant attempts to block out the thoughts of the blonde he was accosted by images of the boy and him fighting, relaxing, panting heavily to try and catch their breath during a mission, the frightening red eyes of the boy's inner demon, the reason why the otherwise perfectly normal boy was shunned, beaten, and secluded to the point that he had to fake emotions just to get negative attention, because any attention at least meant he was alive. He saw the look in those impossibly blue eyes when Sasuke said he wanted to fight him, thus giving Naruto a ghost of positive recognition, then he saw the utterly broken and sorrowful look as Sasuke left for Sound, abandoning the boy and his village, taking away all the recognition he had ever given the blonde and promising a life without him. after giving a mental shutter at the painful thoughts his brain turned to more sinful thoughts of the tanned boy. Naruto writhing underneath him, naked, glistening with sweat and letting out pants, whimpers and gasps as Sasuke drove him mad with pleasure, thrusting into the blonde and running his hand and lips all over his lean body. These thoughts were painful for they were purely fantasy, they would never come into fulfillment, because Sasuke wouldn't allow himself to hurt Naruto anymore or stray from his hell bent path of mindless revenge. Thinking of bonds severed and wishes never to be fulfilled Sasuke slipped under the sheets of the bed given to him in his dark cavern of a room with only the bare essentials. There is no room for luxury when you're only going to move every three months anyways. He lulled himself to sleep by staring irritably at the candle that was obviously about to die out, but was hell bent on staying aflame. Sasuke watched the flickering flame as his eyes slowly drooped shut, thinking about bonds he could never completely sever, no matter how hard he tries.

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?_

_And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?_

_And will you never try to reach me?_

_It is I that wanted space_

Sasuke stood on the top of the ledge that he had created in his fury over his early awakening courtesy of some replacement talking about preserving his bonds with Naruto, just what he wanted to hear about after he finished angsting about it last night. Sasuke stared down at the boy that has been plaguing his mind ever since he left. His flushed face, his weakened state, the way his pained eyes stared at him as he uttered his name. It almost physically pained Sasuke to see what his departure had reduced the blonde to, this weak, determined, heartbroken, beautiful mess that stands before him. He didn't want to ruin the boy he had loved, he wanted the boy to find happiness and just let Sasuke trek down his path of loneliness, betrayal, revenge and hatred. Obviously Naruto's fierce determination not to let go of any bonds he had managed to make was preventing him from finding the inner peace Sasuke so desperately craved for the blonde. He wanted to break down in front of Naruto, let go of his self control for once in his fricking life and scream his point across. 'Stop following me around, I cannot and do not want to see your inner light. Stop torturing yourself with your attempts to keep the love we both know somehow flourished during all the fights, insults and moments we shared. Stop acting like this in front of me and tempting me to let go of all the hell I've forced upon myself. Don't love me anymore, hate me.'

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you_

Sasuke found himself understanding what his aniki had told him before he had left "You lack hatred." Without hatred you couldn't let go of the bonds that only end up hurting you in the end. Sasuke saw that if he hung onto any ounce of the love he had once held for Itachi he would never be able to kill him. Love turns you into a wreck incapable of seeing what was good for yourself or the people around you. Love made you into Naruto, chasing after someone who doesn't want to be chased, saving someone who doesn't want to be saved. Love turned you into Sasuke feigning emotionlessness, chasing after fruitless, unattainable dreams, denying yourself happiness and hurting anyone who happens to cross paths with you. Sasuke wanted Naruto to hate him, needed Naruto to hate him, but craved the forbidden love that Naruto was presenting him right this minute. Sasuke was being torn apart at the seams, he needed to decide which half of himself to keep and which to leave behind, knowing full well he will be vulnerable without any part of himself and his sanity may not survive this split.

_Hate me in ways_

_Yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_...So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind_

Why couldn't Naruto just see that Sasuke didn't want his love, didn't crave his affection, didn't miss him to the point of nearly breaking down sobbing whenever he let the feelings of guilt and loneliness overwhelm him. Sasuke did not want to rush up to the broken blonde, apologize profusely, press fervent kisses to his lips and face and end up holding each other as they both give in to what they've wanted for so long now. Naruto should be beating Sasuke to a pulp instead of simply standing in such close proximity to the raven haired boy, confessing that he had finally given up on his dream to become Hokage in order to chase after Sasuke. Naruto should curse Sasuke's name every night as he settles down in his lover's arms. Sasuke did his best to ignore the lump in his throat and ache in his heart as he thought about Naruto moving on into a new love's embrace. He didn't want Naruto's love, he wanted Naruto to be happy without Sasuke, the boy who can only hurt the ones he loves, Sasuke wanted Naruto to have the best life possible, and that life was a life devoid of him.

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made_

He had done the blonde so much wrong, had caused his love so much pain, it was only customary that he let his love go free, and hope that he never comes back, Sasuke wasn't good for Naruto. Sasuke thought of the hurt he had bestowed upon the blonde, he knew the agony he went through everyday was nothing in comparison to Naruto's pain. He gave the boy hope for a better life, and then abandoned him as if he were nothing important, a simple burden in the way of his ambitions. Sasuke hoped that Naruto could convince himself that Sasuke didn't care about him, and knew it would be easy to do considering his actions, but another half of Sasuke, the half that still hoped for a relationship with Naruto, wanted to show the boy that he did care, he wouldn't be pushing him away so forcefully if he didn't. He would've killed the boy, but instead he is putting himself through hell just by saying goodbye and hoping for the blonde's happiness.

_And like a baby boy I never was a man_

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand_

_And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"_

_Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be_

_And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"_

Sasuke stood so close to Naruto that he could see every spec of color in his spectacular eyes, he could read every emotion in those eyes, despair, desperation, hope and a spec of happiness sprung from seeing his love after so many years. Naruto parted his plump, pink lips to utter "Come back to Konoha, Sasuke." Sasuke noted that the words were spoken softly, not with the determination that one would normally associate with the boy. Sasuke was standing mere centimeters away from. He could feel Naruto's breath against his practically bare chest and see the disappointment and hurt in his eyes as Sasuke managed to get out a "no" without betraying his longing to leave Orochimaru and be with Naruto for the rest of his days, he couldn't be with Naruto, he only hurt the one he loves. Sasuke schooled his facial expressions and his eyes to show no emotion as he watched the blonde's reaction to the outright refusal of his plea to come back to Konoha.

Naruto appeared to be holding back a wave of tears, his exhaustion was evident and it was clear that he wouldn't be able to fight Sasuke and literally drag his sorry ass back to where he belongs. As well as tears, disappointment was swimming in his blue orbs. Naruto closed his eyes and allowed a broken, resigned sigh to escape his lips. As Naruto let go of his self-control and tears began slowly making their way down his scarred cheeks, Sasuke felt his own self-control snap. Seeing his love this miserable just made him want to change for once and be the good guy who makes all the tears go away. Sasuke knew he couldn't be the good guy since he was the reason for the blonde's unhappiness, he always was the reason for his love's misery. Nonetheless he felt his arms move of their own accord and cross the short distance separating them from the boy's face. Sasuke held the blonde's face in his hands, caressing and wiping all the tears away, but they only came faster, rushing down in torrents, breaking Sasuke's heart even further. He really couldn't make Naruto happy, this only proved that fact.

He felt his knees give in at that thought and he dropped, right in front of the blonde, he wrapped his arms around the crying boy's waste and was surprised by the thinness of it. the boy's figure has always been hidden by his gaudy, apparently-far-too-big-for-him orange jumpsuit. Sasuke did his best to ignore the broken sound of his voice and the tears threatening to spill over his eyes and he croaked out, "Please stop crying, let me go. Why can't you just hate me and let that smile return? Hate me and allow yourself happiness. I can't stand to see you like this. Let me see your happiness, please."

Sasuske saw the expanse of the boy's sorrow and hurt as he too collapsed onto his knees and the raven was allowed to look into his big, sad, watery, blue eyes into his damaged, forgiving soul. "I can't hate you," the boy sobbed stubbornly " How can I hate you when I know i would go to the ends of the earth to save you from yourself, to bring you back? How could I possibly feel hate for the first person to beg me to be happy? How could I hate someone willing to sacrifice their own happiness in an attempt to see me smile? Goddamn it, you bastard, how dare you tell me to hate you when I'm in fucking love with you." All this was said in a soothing whisper that sent chills down the Uchiha's spine and caused his heart to beat in his chest furiously. The blonde continued on in between tiny, innocent kisses to Sasuke's cold, trembling lips. "I love you (kiss) and I know that you're in love with me too (another sweet kiss) so come back home with me (kiss) and we can be happy together."

The kisses increased as the amount of words dwindled down to nothing, becoming more feverish, long, and desperate. Sasuke turned the last of the sweet kisses to something drastically more sinful as he added pressure and didn't allow the blonde to pull away. He parted his lips more and more as seconds ticked by, the blonde, refusing to follow his lead, was punished with small nibbles on his ample bottom lip followed by a wet, pink tongue dragging its way across the bites slowly, moving back and forth until it forced its way into his mouth. Naruto finally got the picture and began allowing the Uchiha to drag his tongue around the inside of his mouth, over his gums, teeth, the roof of his mouth, and finally to encompass his own tongue and move around it in little circles. Naruto was reduced to a whimpering mess as Sasuke continued with their little tongue dance. when they finally parted they were both panting, trying to recover their lost breaths.

Without a word Sasuke grabbed his love's hand and pulled them both up to stare at the blonde's teammates all gawking, their mouths hanging open in shock, because they had been expecting a bloodier outcome. When he moved his head to indicate they should leave, they calmed down, at least on the outside. Sasuke was sure the pink-haired bitch was fuming and the creep who wanted to see his and Naruto's bond had been given quite a show, he was probably shell shocked. The team's captain (some guy that wasn't Kakashi, Sasuke would remember to ask about that later) still appeared confused, but nonetheless began walking in the right direction, toward Konoha and away from the hideout similar to all the others Sasuke had wasted his time in. Sasuke knew he had been immature and miserable in leaving his love to seek power and revenge. He mused on how it took him seeing Naruto in sheer pain and misery to realize that it was a foolish decision, Sasuke knew he grew up in the moment he saw the blonde cry, he would continue to mature and grow strong, but not for pointless unfulfilling revenge, he would grow strong to live a happier and safer life in Konoha with the boy he could never manage to hate enough to kill.

**Author's note:** I personally kinda hate it, but I would love to know your opinion on it. If you hated it too leave a review telling me what you hated and how I can improve.


End file.
